PPD

Today is the day. I've been putting off writing about postpartum depression, because I wasn't sure what to say and how to say it, but I want to share what I've been going through.

The first few weeks of Barrett's life were relatively easy. He slept a lot and I didn't feel like being a mom was very hard.

At about 8-10 weeks postpartum, I started to realize I wasn't myself. I would cry quite frequently, and get angry over little things and at Barrett when he wouldn't sleep. Work (my nanny job) was very overwhelming. I couldn't read a book, or even a long newspaper article because it was too hard to focus on the words. Sometimes I had trouble listening and following a conversation. I was anxious about pretty much everything, and I had no appetite. Around this time, Barrett started regressing sleep-wise. His long stretch got shorter and after that he was up every 2 hours (or less).

Right before Christmas, I went to the doctor. He agreed with my self-diagnosis of postpartum depression and prescribed medication and recommended counseling. It felt so good to discuss it with my family and I got a lot of support from them during the holidays. After I was on the meds for two weeks, I noticed that they were giving Barrett gas pains. He would wake up every night screaming. That was not helping me at all, so I stopped taking them and noticed an immediate difference in his behavior.

I recently quit my job (such a relief not to have to get up at 5 am and pack up a fussy baby!) and started counseling. So far, I really like my counselor, and I feel like she will be a huge help in behavioral (we agreed on no more meds) ways. On recommendation from another ppd mom, I have been taking an iron complex. I feel such a difference in my anxiety and anger issues and I attribute that to the iron and to working out more frequently.

In addition to the sleep deprivation, hormones, and losing a lot of my 'me' time, I think the ppd might be stemming from Barrett's birth. I desperately wanted a natural birth, and I prepared so thoroughly for one. I really did not want a c- section at all. At the time of my decision to go ahead and have one, I felt it was the only option left. Afterward, I questioned myself. Was there something I could have done differently? I feel cheated, sad, and angry at my body for "failing" me. I am trying to work through these feelings and get to a place where I can look at my healthy baby and just be happy that he is here.

My husband has been amazingly supportive through it all. I feel bad for him because Barrett hasn't been taking a bottle, but he will still take him so I can leave the house for a while. The ladies out here have been great too; working out with me, letting me talk things through, and offering to watch Barrett whenever I need them to. All of my other friends and family have been so helpful also, even over the phone. I never thought I would be experiencing something like this. It gives me such an appreciation for the strength of the people who have been through postpartum depression and similar issues.